Stepping Out From Behind the Camera

A few weeks ago I received an email from a client at work letting me know that her home was going to be featured on a local television show Home Life & Style, so she wanted to make sure our landscape crew would not be at her home that day.  Reading her email, I became filled with excitement!  Anyone who knows me well, knows I love all things home & home décor.  I instantly replied to her email asking if there was anything I could do to help.  [Lesson learned here: be more specific when telling someone you can “help them!]  In my mind I was thinking; I could help her hang pictures on the walls, dust & decorate her shelves, organize her closets, clean the bathroom, iron curtains, etc.  [I know, I know most of these things most people do not want to do, but I love these tasks!] She replied minutes later, saying she did not need any help but was looking for people to be part of the cooking demonstration and eating segment that would be filmed for tv.  My excitement was quickly replaced with fear and anxiety.  I wanted to be behind the camera, not in front of it!  As an extremely private person with a fear of being the in the spotlight; the thought of being on television was terrifying.  My first instinct was to make up some excuse as to why I could not be part of the show.  “Oh sorry, I have plans that day.”  “Sorry, I am not feeling well.”  All the normal excuses that I would normally use to get out of something played through my mind.  I said to my boss, I CAN NOT do this.  He said [in a kind tone], “Heidi, you asked if she needed help, you can’t back out now.”  He was right.  I had been asking the universe for a sign and looking back I think I was given one.  I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  You may not know why something is happening in that exact moment but looking back you can see that there was a reason that, that something happened.

As the days to the event drew nearer, my old friend anxiety appeared.  This is something I have suffered with since a young age and has manifested itself in different forms throughout the years.  It is something I have learned to live and deal with, even though it does get the best of me sometimes.  For those fortunate enough to not know what anxiety feels like [lucky!], it is like an unwanted passenger, who goes with you wherever you go, does not care who you are with or what you are doing.  Sometimes the passenger gets off the ride, does not appear for a while, and then “bam” for reasons you are not even sure of, the passenger returns.  I knew accepting the invite to the event would bring back my old friend and passenger, and I chose to face it head on.  I am not saying the days leading up the event were easy.  At some points the anxiety and fear were almost debilitating.  The constant “what ifs” played through my mind.  I was feeling the true definition of anxiety; a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.  I continued to go over excuses as to why I could not be there, but again I continued to fight the urge to decline.

The day of the event was at hand.  I was actually feeling better.  I think my body had worried so much that there was no more worry left.  I met my boss at the event [I convinced him to come with me] and as we walked up to the front door, I knew I was going to be ok.  I had a very fun and enjoyable time!  I met new interesting people, including Parker Kelly!  Watched the filming of a cooking segment from behind the scenes.  Appeared on camera eating and drinking.  Ate food I had never tried and drank wine I had never heard of.   By the end of the night, I was having so much fun I did not want to leave.  If I had given into my fears, I would have never experienced these things or met such interesting people.  I felt the world had been lifted off my shoulders and relief that I had followed through with something that had seemed so scary to me.   

What was the sign I was asking the universe for?  Honestly, I am not 100% sure.  But I know now that if I can conquer my fear of going to that event, why can’t I conquer my other fears?  I have thought of starting a blog for quite some time but have always worried about putting myself out there and being outside my comfort zone.  What if people do not like my content?  What will people say about me?  What if I am not good enough?  Life is so short, what am I waiting for…Am I going to let my fears get in my way for the rest of my life and inhabit me in the things I want to do?  My answer is no.  I am ready to step out from behind the camera and put myself out there.  This will not be easy, as an introvert it will take constant work on my part to be transparent and open to the world.  I am committed to taking the baby steps to become more comfortable in “front of the camera” and hold my “passenger” at bay.    

I will let you know when the episode of Home Life & Style airs!  I cannot wait to see it!

XO ~ Heidi